Reminds me of a tip someone had once on reddit. They realized that their kid only ever saw them when they were fighting, but didn't get to see them resolve it later after bedtime. So the parents would start doing little makeup "reenactments" the next morning so the kid could see them working out their problems and saying sorry.
Yeah this happened to me. My parents would get into huge fights. Lots of screaming and crying. Id lay there in bed and just listen and they would never apologize in front of me. I wouldnt sleep until they went to bed and stopped talking. Whenever i heard them apologize, i could fall asleep.
I never heard my parents apologize after any fight they just forget about after a day or two, probably explains why me trying to apologize sincerely is so hard.
I saw my parents wrestling at night on their bed.
Clearly he did. Those two fools never saw the topé coming.
Well it definitely wasn’t the condom
Idk but mommy looked extra sweaty around her face so I guess dad must've
Some of my worst familial memories are of me being in my bedroom just up against a wall hearing my parents scream at each other. Shit sucked.
I mean, it definitely needs more research. It makes sense to me though. It's upsetting because it's two people you love, having someone be rude/aggressive to them. Equally it's your parents being rude or aggressive. It's no wonder it can mess a kid up and cause them to act badly, or repeat patterns - we aren't surprised when a parent who is awful and rude to people in general has a kid who turns out rude and horrid.
Maybe I'm wrong and it is completely different. Arguing, swearing and calling each other rude names is very much aggression though, it just isn't physical. You're both seeing parents being victimised, and also being the aggressor. It's bad vibes all round.
Would be great to see more research done because I truly believe that many of society's problems stem from unhealthy early life family experiences, and that abuse of all forms is under recognised.
the difference in my friendship circle between successful and failed relationships has largely hinged on the language the couples use when disagreeing.
My wife and I, 10 years strong with 2 kids. She is the only person on this entire planet I have never told to fuck off, called a cunt or indeed demeaned, disrespected or abused in any way. Our arguments get heated, we shout, we cry, we dont speak for a few hours but we can repair things.
My friend and his wife? who call eachother evil, tear down eachothers character and say things like "I hope you walk out that door with all your bags and get hit by a bus"? They're divorcing after 3 years together.
And the kids see this. They will model it.
Dax Sheppard talks about doing this on his podcast Armchair Expert.
Doesn't he have to just show Kristen Bell a cute sloth to make her weep with tears of glee making her forgot anything bad ever existed or happened?
i think he talked about that on his podcast too hahaha
Hahaha yeah and he’s lowkey a little bitter that no one gives him credit for procuring the sloth in that video
This is amazing. My parents never fought or argued in front of me. It took me a long time to learn that you can fight with someone and still love them.
The Sheppard/Bell marriage is a lot. They get into a ton of pretty intense fights (and tell the media about it). I am not shading them for that, people function in different ways and they seem to be pretty intense people. But I am also not sure I would take marriage advice from them as their marriage would exhaust me.
Tell me more please.
This topic is really peaking my interest and I know so little about it
I did a quick Google, and yeesh. They voluntarily share stuff like getting into “screaming at the top of your lungs” fights where they both “black out” as if that’s anything other than 🚩🚩🚩
People experience anger and conflict differently, but if you’re both so angry you black out, there are serious issues that NEED to be addressed — both as individuals and as a couple.
And that’s just from the most recent story they’ve shared, from a fight about CHORES. (I know fights about chores often end up as fights about who does more / who cares more, and that’s an intense topic. But at the end of the day, you need to be able to step back and remember it’s still a fight about folding bath towels)
Er... have you ever thought that they might be embellishing the disagreements to drive more traffic to their profiles???
I can guarantee that is what is happening. These two run their own reality TV lifestyle empire at this point.
I know Dax is tall, handsome, funny, and charming but I feel like no man is good enough for Kristen.
Oh yeah. Kristen Bell is a gem. I’m convinced she’s the only person left on earth that would make it to The Good Place. I think whoever she could have chosen to be with would be settling for her, but I guess Dax isn’t a bad settle lol
Dolly Parton. She'll make it there, too.
The Wholesome Trinity; Mr Rogers, Bob Ross, and Steve Irwin.
My parents never apologize sincerely, whenever one of them tries to say sorry the other just flat out ignores them. Like they only cool down to their normal selves after 2 days or so.
[The Everglades is the only option for me.
What do you mean? Do you live there, and go to escape, chill, think....or hide bodies? But genuinely, if you have time can you please explain? I used to go to the woods to calm myself often, as child, teen, & adult.
I remember this one as well. Really impacted me. Thanks for the memory reminder.
That's probably insanely beneficial. Super clever.
That’s good parenting.
“I’m only putting a few micrograms of foxglove into your daddy’s tea, sweetheart; otherwise, the coroner will suspect foul play. Now go clean your room!”
Edit: Thank you for the awards, kind folks!
Unrelated but cool trivia fact - Foxglove is the main ingredient in Digoxin, a medication used for congestive heart failure. It makes the heart squeeze harder, but not faster.
Lord as a nursing student I read Digoxin and instantly had a brain flash of what the signs of Dig toxicity is. Guess all the ‘THIS IS IMPORTANT PAY ATTENTION’ about it worked. 😂
Pharmacy student checking in with a cold sweat thinking about digoxin in general
Please explain. I really want to know why, in all the morbid details.
Digoxin is often used in atrial fibrillation, atrial flutter, and heart failure, usually in cases where first line therapy has been tried and failed. This means that not only are you dealing with a patient dealing with a lot of shit, it also means that you're not too far from the end of the line and/or experimental treatments.
Digoxin has a variety of side effects, apparently enough to warrant its own Wikipedia page, which when combined with the symptoms of the aforementioned conditions may result in a patient refusing treatment due to intolerable side effects. While things like nausea, fatigue, vomiting are tolerable, we're more concerned about things like asystole, accelerated atrioventricular junctional rhythm, complete AV block, ST segment depression, first or second degree atrioventricular block, gynecomastia, thrombocytopenia, intestinal hemorrhagic necrosis, depression, delirium, hallucinations, etc etc. Some side effects may not be immediately obvious to the patient themselves so it warrants constant monitoring.
It has drug interactions up the wazoo. It interacts with the CYP3A4 liver enzyme as well as the P-glycoprotein enzyme, which combined together essentially means you're better off looking for things that don't interact with it. 9 times out of 10 it's safe with monitoring, but may require dose adjustments or therapy alterations. Typically these kinds of patients are taking a bunch of other medications already (metformin, CCBs, diuretics, ACEIs/ARBs, statins, beta blockers, just to name a few) and many of those will likely need adjustments of some kind. Again, constant monitoring.
It has a narrow therapeutic range. Which is to say the plasma concentration that offers therapeutic benefit is very narrow. If you're below it, you're not benefitting from the medication and only dealing with the side effects. If you're above it, then you're taking too much and are likely experiencing digoxin toxicity which has the potential to be lethal. For drugs like these, we often use Therapeutic Drug Monitoring (TDM), which is a special kind of monitoring system for medications with a narrow therapeutic index, significant pharmacokinetic variability (dosing does not always correlate with plasma concentration), difficulty in interpreting clinical evidence of therapeutic or toxic effects, and a strong relationship between drug concentration and therapeutic and/or toxic effects. To put it simply, we give you an initial dose based on our guidelines, than adjust based on plasma levels as we go on an individual (specifically you) basis. If it's too high, we decrease it, if it's too low, we increase it. Instead of adjustments based on guidelines (e.g. standardized increments ot percentages), these doses are specifically adjusted based on your pharmacokinetic profile, which is impacted by your weight/BMI, your height, gut function, liver function, renal function, cardiovascular function, genetics, etc. This means if you're on digoxin in the hospital, then we're almost definitely measuring your plasma concentration multiple times a day for every single day you're in the hospital.
Along with just measuring plasma concentration, we also have to monitor your potassium, magnesium, and calcium levels especially if you're taking other medications that impact electrolytes.
It's also renally eliminated, which means if you have decreased kidney function, which is likely the case if you have heart failure, then we have to adjust for that and monitor closely for worsening renal impairment, side effects, toxicity, etc etc.
I'm just a student so my experience with digoxin is limited to lectures, guidelines, textbooks, and monographs. But if a patient on digoxin landed in front of me it is likely a complicated patient that is beyond my capabilities.
Tl;dr: monitor for safety and efficacy
Wow thank you so much for that immensely detailed response! That was actually exactly what I was looking for in an answer - I just didn’t know it til I read it.
My understanding from my pharmacist mother is oftentimes the therapeutic threshold is so small for life saving medications, which is what can make them tricky to dose. You definitely touched on that!!
Thanks again and I’ll reread it when I have more time :-)
Enjoy your evening and good fucking luck in school, stay in and finish!
Thanks! Definitely ask your mom about it! She likely knows a lot more than she lets on because a lot of it isn't relevant to the average person. But if you inquire about it I'm sure she'd be willing to explain it to you!
Shit’ll fuck ya heart up
As much as I learned about dig toxicity in med school, I thought I'd run into it a lot more during practice. During my 3 years of internal medicine residency I never ran into it once.
The "stop, drop and roll" of cardiology
And change your color perception so everything is tinted yellow
There’s a theory that Van Gogh was drinking fox glove tea regularly which is why his color schemes shifted to yellow tints
if his vision had yellowed, wouldn't he shift to bluer tints?
Here we go again...
That's from Viagra.
The original comment implied using it to put daddy to sleep.
Well I get that part, my point is I’m curious what exactly it does to the heart that caused the pharmacist person to have that reaction about the chemical/med
Ever have one of those sudden, 100% seized, horrifically painful muscle cramps? Imagine having one in your entire heart for the rest of your life.
Ah that’s horrible, fuck. I have felt those, and if that’s what that pain is I experience...it doesn’t sound like that’s healthy lol
But having that pain ongoing sounds like someone’s, or anyone’s, personal hell.
So succinct, you're answer is almost too perfect... 💀👍
This explains it well.
TLDR; Kill your loved ones with Foxglove and tell the cops they ate it while you were taking a nature walk but you told them not to.
Exceedingly narrow therapeutic range.
Not a med student, but a guy who has similar reactions when you talk about things like input sanitization. When you get yelled at a ton about how "IF YOU FUCK THIS UP THE SYSTEM BREAKS" you tend to cry when it's mentioned
that comic always gives me the cold shivers.
You just know their last backup was 4 months ago and failed 37% in with nobody noticing
Yaaaas! I’m a paramedic student :)
Good luck with school, and maybe I’ll drop off a pt to you someday
I hope you never have to and can take a nap in the rig instead!! 😘 Good luck to you too!
How’d you know? It’s naptime right now!
Our city had to have ambulances come from really far away, so we turned an old storage building into a 2-ambulance garage station. It's kind of a sweet gig and the buildings in the heart of the city so you can get just about anywhere from it instantly.
Get off Reddit.
Thanks to you I realised that it's probably dij-oxen (like digitalis) and not die-goxen.
You would be correct! Same sound as digitalis. If it makes you feel better I had no idea how it was pronounced and I read it ‘dig-oxen’ in front of 100 peers. I had only read it and never heard it before then 🤦🏼♀️ Since then I always ‘listen’ to the pronunciation in my e-textbooks cause I make a fool our of myself enough in class that drug pronunciation won’t be one of those times!
Dj foxglove all the other people who watched cartoons to get through med school know what I’m saying.
Hell yea sketchy pharm
That was a cool fact.
It can definitely make the heart squeeze faster, just not when used therapeutically at the correct dose. It’s just notoriously hard to avoid toxicity if you’re on it for a long time, which most heart failure patients are on it indefinitely. “The dose determines the poison” - Paracelsus
I don’t have a real award, but please accept this facsimile 🥇
Generosity begets more generosity ☺
<scribbles furiously> Tell me more
Actually a guide that redditors in their twenties who still live at home would give to their parents.
As an adult in her 20s, I feel like I need to model this behavior for my parents because they sure as hell don’t know how to resolve arguments
Hey, I'm 43, and my parents divorced after 13 years of marriage because they were both emotional toddlers that didn't know how to deal with any of their emotions. They aren't much better now that they're in their mid 60's. So, the struggle is real, but I think we're generally dealing with shit and perpetuating the species, just as every generation that preceeded us, and every generation after will do too. Sorry for rambling, I'm old and high, and drunk. I should get off reddit and play some grandpas guitars now.
Here is your banana sticker 🍌
I DO COCAINE
Not at all. Just hearing a kid call their parents “emotional toddlers” made me think.
My mom died when I was young but I don’t think she was. My dad was a dick, but he provided.
I’ve worked my whole life to be emotionally intelligent so I’m kind of fascinated by the idea of childish parents. I’m 43 too! Maybe I’ve got friends are like that? No idea.
My parents are and I can give you an example (that doesn’t make full sense because they’re idiots and I also don’t overhear all the details):
Last night we ordered an Indian takeaway. When the food arrived, my mom decided she’d done too much that day, and didn’t want to dish the food out for us all, but rather throw a strop instead (husband, 4 kids).
So what did she do? First she storms up the stairs, announces she’s going to bed and isn’t hungry anymore. Then when she decides she isn’t getting enough attention from that, she storms out the front door and drives off in the car, leaving her phone behind - coming back 5 mins later. Meanwhile my younger siblings are sitting there hungry, it’s 10pm (we order pretty late) and my 17 year old brother is having a panic attack which was triggered by the big show my mom decided to put on and resulting argument between her and my dad.
My parents are both jealous, insecure, share a single Facebook account so the other person can’t cheat without them knowing, constantly argue and bicker about dumb shit in front of their kids, my mom always tries to flirt with my friends because she likes the attention. My mom is an insecure bully, my dad is an insecure coward. My mom will literally “it’s not faaaaaiiiir” “stooooop iiiiit!” like a toddler when she gets mad.
They had me when they were 18 and never grew up. I’m 23 now, trying to minimise the damage they can do to the two youngest, as I constantly notice them repeating shit that they did during my childhood. Most of my friends are over 50 years old, and I don’t bring anyone to my house other my girlfriend and I haven’t told my parents “I love you” in over 10 years, because I just don’t. The older I do get, it’s becoming less of “I don’t love them” and more “I think I genuinely hate them.”
Wow. I mean, I get that kids wear you out. But providing is the job. Either you rise to that occasion and it makes you a better person, or you fight it. You’re brother having a panic attack is no bueno. I reckon pointing that out to her wouldn’t help tho, it’s always about her.
Sounds like r/raisedbynarcissists stuff. Her being insecure and bullying sounds like BPD. But I dunno. So much trauma out there repeating the cycle.
Having older friends is a worthy goal for anyone and a gift, how’d you manage that?
As another person in their 20s, former child of please get a divorce, I feel the same way. Came back home for Corona and I'm still not sure if they love eachother. I never learned this stuff from them and adhd / add combo with autism doesn't help my social skills either. I'll try to use these instead.
My parents literally had my dad sleeping in the basement because they couldn't just communicate to work things out or just get a divorce. The excuse they told us was that his snoring was so loud.
As an adult of divorced parents, the lie detector test determined that was a lie.
My dad sleeps in the basement and my mom sleeps in the bedroom, but they've been doing it for 25+ years in a 36 year marriage because my dad can only fall asleep with a TV and my mom can't hear anything but white noise in order to obtain a night's rest. Obviously they're probably an outlier and most of the time with couples something like this is representative of an issue with their marriage, but I can gladly say that theirs is a happy and loving one. You don't always have to understand the dynamic for it to mean that it works for some relationships, but it's always important that they have love in the ways that they're able to share it.
Gf and I have a pretty healthy relationship. I have to fall asleep in either absolute silence or with a quiet video on. She snores, so I’ll sometimes sleep on our pull out couch if it gets too loud. Our friends are always like “ooooh what did you do” when I mention I slept on the couch but it doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Hell, I’ve even read stories of married couples having separate bedrooms entirely because their sleep schedules don’t match up or one is too restless at night and they’re perfectly happy with that. I’d rather get a good nights rest than try to stay in bed and harbor some sort of resentment because I can’t sleep
There's nothing wrong with sleeping in separate beds if it means that one or both people get a better sleep.
My dad had bad back and neck pain. During an afternoon nap, he found he slept better and was in less pain on the firmer guestroom bed .
They then discovered that my mom needed the soft mattress to fall asleep.
Each had their favorite dog herd them to bed. Dogs would take turns visiting overnight and made sure to wake them up five minutes before their alarms. They'd then reconvene to pet the dogs and get breakfast.
It was cute.
Wife and I are the same way. I need to be in an absolutely dark, perfectly quiet room to sleep well throughout the night for 8 or 9 hours. She only needs like four hours of sleep to function productively during the day, so she'll watch tv, play games on her phone, etc, making lots of light and noise, and often takes a short nap in the afternoon. We've agreed that us having a second bedroom so we can sleep separately on weekdays so I can be well rested for work is a great idea, but we can still sleep together on weekends because I like to watch tv and play games too /shrug.
There's no reason a couple needs to sleep together every night to love each other. We firmly believe that we're both our own two separate people who have chosen to live together. We don't believe in that "we are now one person and must do everything together" stuff some couples do.
My husband always gets so uncomfortable with how snippy my mom is with my dad. So many passive-aggressive comments, so much talking past each other, so much tuning out... It's nuts.
Same here! I truly didn’t realize how toxic my parents arguing were until I was in my relationship with my husband.
It's wild because I definitely catch myself falling into those patterns. It was never a thing in my family to directly say, "hey, could you try to stop doing this? It really bothers me." So when my husband does little things that irk me, I have to work really hard to come up with how to say that lovingly. Because in my childhood that wasn't the way you addressed bothersome things with people you love.
I've gotten much better about it over the years, but it's still a little internal battle I need to have occasionally.
Me too. When my parents argue sometimes I get worried, they usually resolve eventually but when they argue there is no trying to understand each other. I know they love each other to death but still -
For me when they argue I literally can't stop them even if I tried. Not to mention I don't sense even a drop of love between them, then again, arranged marriages are common where they come from.
I feel like less than 1% of parents have ever done any of those examples listed.
As an adult who also lived with his parents in the late twenties (and early thirties), it makes me incredibly glad to have functioning parents who don't fight. They disagree, but never make it about anything besides the topic at hand.
But it makes me feel bad in a weird way. I felt it even more as a kid, when I would go to friends' houses and their parents would fight. It's like the opposite of jealousy or envy, where you want someone else to have what you have, but it isn't yours to give.
I think you’ve described the feeling very well. It’s a weird one.
I know that feeling. It's awful in the most insignificant, petty way. The desire to give your parental experience to others is so very stomach-twistingly awkward and cringy. Yet at the exact same time you feel like a jerk for feeling bad because you're fortunate enough to have never experienced that first-hand.
It's akin to "First World Problems" but instead it's "Functional, Loving Parents Problems" and - I share this horrible/trivial burden.
What you are describing I believe is called empathetic concern.
Isn't that feeling like pity or something like that?
I have a baby due in a couple months and am desperately trying not to be anything like my parents. This would have been a great thing for them to try
38.... just sent this to my parents.... who are both 60
You're a braver man than I am, I'd be the world's first confirmed death by nagging if I tried that.
There's a lot of shit they need to hear but don't want to hear and will not hear out of stubbornness.
Just had to move back in with my parent. Might just print this off and put it on the fridge lmao
It’s really just one thing over and over
Or in their 30s who do not live at home but can't make it through five minutes of a family gathering.
Are they... Bowing?
I took it as they were butting heads, but still respect eachother (thus the handshake).
I know this one
Yo they bout to wrestle
“Dad and I are having a disagreement right now, and sometimes the best way to settle an argument is with Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Now go dump your legos in the octagon, honey.”
Thumb War actually
Don't you bow before a match?
"We never fight in front of the children."
"Go out and play I wanna yell at your dad!"
12 hours of tense silence
Followed by a sharp scream
Then icecream! Daddy wasn't hungry
It will be “GET OUT AND PLAY I wanna yell at your dad”
"We never fight in front of our children, we fight our children!"
I've been married for ten years (together for 18) and I honestly don't think my wife and I have ever argued in front of our kid. It's not that we intentionally hide it from him, we just genuinely get along well with each other. There's the occasional misunderstanding or frustrating moment but we never raise our voices and will always talk things out reasonably quickly.
I'm not sure that's healthy though because kids need to see conflict and resolutions to understand them. Maybe I should go pick a fight with the wife, us know, for the kid's sake.
My parents made a point to keep their arguments behind closed doors. It largely led to both of them bottling up emotions in unhealthy ways. My sister and I could tell they weren't happy and maybe not the best communicators in general--- it made them less approachable when we had things going on that were bothering us whether it involved them or not.
As an adult, it's easy to look back and see it as a source of my own emotional processing faults. I tend to retreat into my head and not share what's really bothering me right away, like an internal self-induced anxiety attack is needed to process emotions and yield a solution. looking forward to unpacking some things in therapy.
The trick is to talk through this stuff when you are only a little angry or frustrated with each other. You model what you hope and expect will happen when you are really upset. You make your process “overt”
It’s very helpful for kids to understand that grown ups get frustrated and upset and angry and when we do we can take a break, or take deep breaths or whatever.
It's part of the reason I'm kind of ambivalent towards the adage "never go to bed angry." I get the sentiment, you never know what could happen so forgive as soon as you can. But so many people (like my MIL) take that to mean, "We need to finish our argument before we go to bed, even if that means keeping my husband up until 3am when he needs to get up at 5 for work." It's about being able to step aside from the argument until you're both in a better place to resolve both your concerns. But in the meantime, you still love each other or at least respect each other enough not to force them into a conversation they're not ready to have.
Have had many arguments like that. Shit gets stirred up, and I'm looking at the clock like "fml, I have to wake up for work in 6 or 7 hours, and I don't want to spend the next two arguing about something ridiculous"
Edit: without going into too much detail, I'd say no 2 hour middle of the night argument that I've ever had was anything all that important. They'd involve my significant other walking out, tears, passive aggressive stuff. It was never 2 hours of rational conversation. I've been a single cat dad for a year, and the last relationship was nothing like that, thankfully. Ridiculous late night fights are mostly vague, unpleasant memories at this point
For my husband and I don’t go to bed angry means don’t go to bed differently than you normally do. So we go to bed, next to each other, angry and not talking, and wake up cuddling. It’s hard to start the fight back up in the morning when you woke up spooning, the discussion always starts in a much more understanding place.
"never go to bed angry."
"never go to bed angry."
my ex had this
it meant fight until one of us breaks
apprently "i dont fucking care i want to go to bed" isnt enough of a break for her
I remember seeing an interview with Kristen Bell talking about how fights/disagreements sometimes happen in front of the kids, but the discussion and make up are typically in private. She said that they made a point to make up in front of the kids too to set that example. This always stuck with me as really smart.
Huh. And here I thought the only 2 options were Pretend Everything’s Fine and Screaming.
I'm just curious what people are really fighting about in front of their kids that gets brought to this point. Maybe we're both just really passive, I can think of a few major arguments we've had, and none of them were regarding topics that would be suitable to involve the kids in. And the ones that we could discuss in front of them aren't anything that would seem damaging to them or our relationship. Like,
him: "what the hell is this burger, it's disgusting !?!?!"
me: "well, you said you didn't want to eat meat."
Him: "yeah, well, I don't want this! That taste like hot garbage"
Me: "well I don't know how to make a non meat, non vegetable meal unless you wanna live off of rice and noodles."
Him. "anymore of them burgers you made for the kids."
Me: "sure, I'll grill you another burger."
I don't see the kids mistaking that to think we don't love each other.
It's not about whether or not it's suitable to involve the kids in it, it's getting so worked up you may not even register the kids are there or have the control to handle it differently.
My parents constantly screamed and threw shit at each other, were passive aggressive and openly aggressive, and it was about basic issues. They just completely lacked emotional control (and were later diagnosed mentally ill). I would just outwardly pretend to ignore it when it was happening and try like hell not to set it off when it wasn't.
Over 30 years later they still sometimes completely lose it, even though I know they try to be on their best behavior when I visit - as in my mom will be sitting in the front passenger seat of the car while I drive, and be struggling against her seatbelt to turn around to "get" my dad in the backseat because she just found out he moved something out of her car. It's crazy to see as an adult when someone loses it that hard.
The actual issue doesn't matter, it's lack of empathy and emotional control that causes these fights. For my parents, each fight would start over something minor "you forgot to pay this bill, please do the dishes, why are you snapping at me." And it would always escalate to them accusing each other of not loving the other, purposely trying to hurt them, never doing enough, etc. In reality, they were both just stressed a lot, and each would interpret the other's general bad mood as a personal attack. They would also get so worked up they would be blind to anything else, including me getting upset about it.
Dad and I are having a hard time understanding each other right now, but I respect dad and we will settle this the old-fashioned way.
1, 2, 3, 4,
I declare a thumb war!
Whoever wins gets sole custody of you and your sister. Loser has to move out tonight. Wish us luck, sweetheart.
Cheer for the parent you want to live with honey.
When fighting with your significant other, always remember to have a couple drinks before. This will keep you stay relaxed and not be afraid to say your true feelings. /s
I’m sorry this happened to you
That jar of mayo is oddly specific and would be hilarious if it wasn’t so awful. I’m sorry, that really drives home why this guide is probably useful to many people.
When fighting with your significant other you're probably taking the alcohol to limber up for a punch in the face, arguing on the other hand.... /j
This needs to go to r/SLPT
It is also important to remind them when they get agitated to calm down and also to not act childish so that all communication can be well thought out to allow for a more sensible discussion rather than behaving like their mother /s
Yes, it is important to have disagreements in front of kids or talk to them about how to handle disagreements., so they know that it is a normal part of human relationships. Hiding it all, or pretending there's nothing going on can be quite harmful in and of itself.
This cant possibly be right
Wheres the one where they drag the kids into all the arguments and scar them for life???
Right!? Or make them choose sides. Thanks, mom.
Better yet, how about the one where they argue through the kids
“Go tell you mom that...”
I wonder how different I would be as a person if my parents had done any of these.
Less depression, anxiety, anger and/or trust issues.
also emotional stability and trust in adults as a young adult
I wish this was something my parents had practiced - it would've saved me a lot of embarrassment in my youth. I'm just glad that this is something that I can now model for my own kids.
It's worth it. My wife and I try to do this kind of thing, we fail often, but when we succeed it's a noticeable difference in my 3yo and how he reacts to what is happening. We fight more than we should considering we have a pretty damn solid relationship, and it kills us when he gets upset when we're fighting. When we do this kind of thing he actually tries to referee in an insanely cute way.
I love that you say you fail often. That is what happens since we're human and we make mistakes. But that's important for kids to see too. You're trying! That's worth a lot in the long run.
We like to think so. We're not a "perfect" couple but I'm fairly certain neither of us will ever do anything we can't come back from and will probably make it to retirement together, so hopefully our kids (also a 1yo) will be well adjusted as a result. But never have I had so much anxiety in my life as I do thinking about what I need to do to try to keep my kids safe, healthy, and prepared for the world in front of them.
This is good.
I'd suggest another for your parenting toolbox: kids often get upset about things you can't immediately fix and they can't effect, like household debt, fights between adults, even climate change, etc.
I found it very effective to say to the young ones: "I understand you are worried about this, but let me assure you: this is not a problem for the kids, this is a problem for the adults. And the adults will deal with it. You don't need to take it on, your job as a kid is just to grow and learn. We'll take care of it"
It takes the pressure off them, and means you can avoid having to explain things that are too complex for them to understand. Just let them know it's not their responsibility, and the adults whose responsibility it is are aware of the issue and are working on it.
As someone who thought my parents bankruptcy was my fault until I was well into my 20’s yes this! But also now I’m the adult and I still feel overwhelmed by climate change... where is the other adult!
They are working on it. Seriously. Look, "News" is about 95% "bad news", because it generates clicks, and before that, newspaper sales. The news is created around telling you the worst things that are happening.
News is also heavily focused on politics. And the political landscape for climate change policy is a nightmare.
Every scientist, engineer, researcher, architect, city planner, educator etc etc is HEAVILY engaged in dealing with this situation. Money is being flung at them. Research grants are being handed out. Specialists in every field are working their asses off to mitigate and alleviate the problems we face through climate change and pollution. THEY are the adults. Stop listening to politicians and the chattering classes general media who are just dreadful and always focused on the lowest common denominator, and start looking at all the great ideas and research popping up in all kinds of fields.
Next, I would tell you what I just told my early-20s son: either get engaged with it or stop fucking worrying. There is plenty you can do. You can choose a career that allows you to work with people making changes, you can become an activist, you can learn how you contribute and change your own lifestyle. Or, if you don't want to do these, stop worrying all the time, because your worry doesn't help the situation and it just makes you mentally unwell. Get engaged with change, or stop obsessively thinking about it, those are your choices. Adulthood doesn't really hit till your mid-20s so you have time to choose. WHat you may NOT do is sit around doing nothing and moaning about how nobody else is doing anything because 1) it's not true and 2) it's bloody annoying.
And stop reading the "News" as if that is all that's going on in the world. It is not.
Eh I don’t know about this. My parents used to tell me stuff like that a lot, i.e. you’re a kid, it’s not something you have to worry about. But when I stopped being a kid, I suddenly felt like I had the entire weight of the world on my shoulders. And growing up became a source of much of my anxiety. I think it’s better to teach them about these things. If they’re old enough to worry about it, they’re old enough to understand.
Making sure your kid understands what's going on through a conflict is of course important, but so is understanding them and their feelings and not invalidate. Or you end up teaching them they are wrong to think and feel a certain way.
Yeah thats not real life but everyone should try for this
It can be, with both parent's giving 100%. So it's not consistent, but it is still a good standard.
It’s doable. My wife came from a home where her mom constantly was arguing with significant others, I came from a Christian patriarchal background where my mom never argued with my dad. Both were abusive in their own way.
I’m glad to see this because I had to learn that arguments are important, okay, and necessary and my wife had to learn that arguments can get out of hand, amd that we need to work together for a solution.
We hope that our kids can see a model of parents finding solutions together and that active, passionate dialogue is okay and important when mutual respect and love is supported.
10 years in, we are still working on it.
Wow, if i didn't know my husband's username i would be extremely suspicious. Tell your wife she has a kindred spirit somewhere, and that you have one too. We are both in the same spot (11 years this december!) and making it happen!
It’s doable if you have experience with healthy conflict resolution pre-kids. We don’t always say it in the cutesy perfect phrasing, but all of our disagreements in front of our toddler go down wth a similar style.
We often say “mommy and daddy are feeling a little stressed right now, but we are doing our best to make it better”. Kind of weird when your kid picks it up and comes at you out of the blue with, “it’s ok mommy, don’t be stressed. Just do your best!” Pretty cute though.
That sort of thing melts my heart every time. I've worked with kids, and occasionally you'd see them empathize with and try to help each other using phrases you know are directly cribbed from home. It sounds so precocious but the sentiment is so sweet.
My favourite is the range of phrases different families use for "you've fallen but aren't hurt" like "whoopsie daisy" or "ooopa la" or "goodness, you okay?" Seeing a three year old use one on another three year old is hilarious.
Yeah thats not real life
Yeah thats not real life
It 100% can be if people are mature and respectful
Completely disagree. This is how my wife and I work out our issues and tell our daughter when she sees or hears us.
Fights are communication issues. Weather it’s feelings, an object, or action ... if communicated properly the argument will still happen but, the fallout of it will be significantly less and you will be closer to your companion because of working through it.
They forgot way #7, “dad was an idiot but bought a piece of jewelry that made mommy very happy. No go outside and play for four hours while we make you a baby sister.”
"Your mom's being a cunt again"
"But we will fix it together. Hand me the family shovel, Timmy."
is it weird that i got happy when i saw it didnt just have straight couples?
nope. representation matters
I’m right there with ya. I’m a lesbian and it was just, like, very refreshing to see two women haha
F*cking hell this hitted me somewhere I've never thought a picture could hit me. As I read the last example I started crying like its hurting me. Something I burried up deep down in my head and I wished it wouldn't bother me anymore.
My parents divorce.
Literally one of my first memories are one of my parents divorcing and all the fuzz all around it. I was in the middle of it. And it damaged a lot of things in my life.
So PLEASE if are going through a hard time or even a divorce. Don't fight in front of your kids - we will remember that. Pull yourself togheter and act like adults. Please, do it for your kids.
"Daddy believes in QAnon and I'm leaving him. Your new dad will be literally anyone else that does not believe in that bullshit."
I'm 29 living back at home, it's been 11 months and I am really having a tough time coping with my dads arrogance, ignorance and disrespect of other peoples opinions..
That's rough. I (34) often call my dad out for being a dick to my stepmom.
I call my dad out all the time.. he just ignores me
I'm sorry :/ that's gotta be really uncomfortable. Any chance of moving out?
Nah I'm on welfare and my field of study was very competitive pre pandemic
20 here, cause of never seeing my parents acc make up after fights I can't get the noise of them screaming out of my head, makes sleeping real hard sometimes.
The moment I realized that my Parents are just older kids with more practice at living than me, my world outlook changed.
So basically explain and reassure. Explain to the kid what’s happening so they’re not in the dark, and reassure them so they grow up to be secure adults.
My parents were good at this and I’m so thankful. I lost my mom last year and it’s helpful to remember that her hard work (and dad’s) lives on in me and my sister.
To all the folks ITT saying “this is wrong” or “no one talks like this” — your instinct is coming from the fact that the suggestions in the comic are a manifestation, not a driver, of a deeper behavioral change that many couples never get to. That behavioral change is openly, immediately, and without assuming intent discussing whatever your partner has done that bothers you (no matter how small), rather than keeping quiet and telling yourself “it’s not a big deal” or “it’s not worth the trouble.” As many couples learn the hard way, it almost always becomes a big deal with enough reps.
My wife and I use this kind of language with our child, but that’s only possible because we’ve already honed our own communication over the years so that this feels completely natural. Forcing yourself to speak like this without addressing the underlying issue is pointless IMO.
i love that this is so inclusive
Whoever made this list hasn't been married or had kids.
Do you get that these are models for behavior not word for word suggestions? I wish my parents had something like this when I was growing up, as an adult it's painful seeing how they interact with each other and it's an ongoing effort to unfuck myself from bad examples of how relationships should work and how to deal with people.
There is some thing wrong about this.
Who speaks like this
People who model handling conflict for young kids.
I mean... My 3yo is pretty cognizant of what goes on between his mother and me, so we actually try to put things in these terms when we realize we are going overboard in front of him. It very clearly works because he gets way less upset when we fight and do this than when we fight and don't do this.
how dare you treat your child like an actual human being instead of a prop /s
P is for pterodactyl.
Great kids book.
"Mom and I disagree on the waffle house waitress, but we've agreed to disagree. "
Daddy wants to throttle mama and slap the soul out of her
unrelated but I appreciate the inclusive pics